Harmony

So, I know that in January I tried online dating. I was excited, exuberant and ready to do something good for myself. I know that I was lonely and feeling down on myself. However, I think one of the reasons it didn't work for me was that I just wanted to be with someone to make myself feel better. I didn't "need" them per-say. I just wanted to feel good enough for someone to like me.

And in the process I met Kevin. Now, Kevin is an amazing person. He's kind, considerate and an overall good person. The only issue I had was that the spark wasn't there. I wasn't intrigued. There wasn't anything about him that I needed to find out more about. I think I let it go on a little too long, although it was only a month or two, so maybe 6 or 7 dates. I kept trying to find that spark, but it just wasn't there.

In theory, that spark is some natural chemistry that makes you irresistible to each other. And I can't but help wonder if it's the spark of the unknown or the unsure or the confused. But either way, I've spent the last 6 months working on me. I've began working out, trying to look on the positive side of life. I've cultivated my friendships in the department. I've maintained my friendships with Kayla and Amy. I also let go of Brett as a friend. I knew he is somewhat caustic and probably a horrible person to have in my life, but our friendship was addictive on a whole new level. I liked the support and the degradation that littered our somewhat bantered friendship. I knew he had my back and I also knew he didn't take me seriously. Basically, attached enough to find the time to make fun of me, and selfish enough to really not care that awful much.

Mixing Working Out and Pleasure

So I've been working out with this trainer Matt. Basically I need someone to kick my butt and there is nobody else around here to do it. So Matt and I work out twice a week. It keeps me honest and I can see improvement. I've also lost almost 2 inches off of my waist. I don't think I've really lost any weight (maybe 3-4 pounds max) but my muscle mass sure is on par. I can even fit into the bridesmaid dress from last summer. You know, the summer were I stressed out, freaked out, forgot to eat and slept all summer? Well good. Glad you remember.

Anyways, Matt is from a teeny tiny town in Illinois and likes hunting, working out, and is going to go to school to be a chiropractor. I.E. a doctor. He's gorgeous. He has piercing light blue eyes, as in glacier blue eyes. His smile is adorable. He has some freckles and sandy blond hair. I know... another Alex look alike eh? Oh my god. That's what he is. He's another Alex. Ugh. Dumb dumb. How could I be any stupider. How did I not realize that until just now.

Well I should just rename the title of this post right now. Well as long as I know this now, I can work it out in my head. I know what is OK and what isn't. That probably means he'd be a great friend, supportive and friendly. However, I can't help but think he'd be a little different than Alex. So how jaded am I? I went from... wow, he's funny, nice and smart to ugh...

I think Usher said it best in "You Remind Me."

See the thing about you that caught my eye
is the same thing that makes me change my mind
kinda hard to explain but I'll try

CHORUS:
Cos, you remind me of a girl
that I once knew
see her face whenever I , I look at you
couldnt believe all of the things she put me through
this is why i just cant get with you

Thought that she was the one for me
til i found out she was on her creep
oh she, was sexing everyone but me
this is why we could never be

Panic at the... yoga?

Well this story is almost a week old now, but I figured, better late than never. I was thinking of calling it closure, but that just isn't quite right.

So last Thursday I headed to Yoga and was actually quite early. I ended up getting there before the instructor (yogi?) Jenny, and started chatting it up with Jackie. Jackie happens to work for Bruce on Sci Flix, which is Bruce's version of getting science-y videos into middle schools. He films different research areas of his and talks about their importance. In theory it's a great idea. HOWEVER, Bruce would have to follow through in order to get anything accomplished.

Well enough about Bruce. I could probably complain about him forever. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

So Jackie and I were talking and I asked her how she ended up working for Bruce. She mentioned that she went on the Campus Honors Program trip with Bruce and had Phil (Alex) and Carly as her T.A. I was dumb enough to ask her if she had found out that Carly and Phil are engaged now.
She got so excited and emphatically said, "I know! I saw the ring earlier this week! I'm so happy for them. They are perfect together. You should have seen them on Curacao. They were so perfect together. Too bad they weren't dating then. But isn't that great that they are together now."
In between trying not to hyperventillate, I said something along the lines of, "Yah. Isn't it great. Yah they do look great together."

And then I went into my head, (where it's safe, and they know me there) and tried not to have a panic attack right before Yoga class. Thank goodness I know how to take deep breaths all on my own!! I couldn't concentrate for the first 10 minutes of the class and it took me forever to get my breathing in line and concentrate on my poses. However, by the time class was over, I was feeling lighter, and if not happier that the encounter had happened, well at least I lived through it.

I can't wait to leave this campus and Phil and Carly FOREVER. Dear God. Please let them fall to the wayside so that I don't have to see them or talk with them or work with them after I graduate. That would be just swell.

A Spark

I am at the point in my life where traditionally people make big grand decisions about their life. Are they going to work full time? Are they going to get married? Is buying a house a good idea in this market?

And me. Well I'm trying to decide what I want to do for the next 5 years of my life. I figure if I graduate at 23.5 years old, travel abroad in India for 30 days, work for GeoCorps for the entirety of the summer and then travel in Patagonia for 90 days, I should be pretty worn out from all the outdoor adventure... right? Or what if it sparks in me an insatiable desire to continue. What if it makes me want to keep trying to find the next mountain to climb, the next river to forage, the next adventure to have?

The Apple and The Tree

I've recently been blessed to be able to identify with where I get certain attributes of myself. I know that my pudgy hands and feet are from my dad. I know that my stubbornness comes from my mom. I know my squinty eyes are inherited from my grandma Dwyer while my love of sweets comes from my mom's mom. My cold ears come from my grandpa Quatroke and my love of rocks come from grandpa Dwyer.
It's nice to think that for however unique I am, I am also an integral part of the tapestry of my family. I share Colin's sense of humor, Mike's sense of adventure, Johny's love of competition (running even?), I love Adam Sandler like Ryan does and admire Jennifer's grace and style. I wish I could have even a spark of Stacy's attitude and Suzanne's adaptability.
And so, from all of that, I need to make my own way in live. Maybe I'll be the only one to backpack through the Himalayas, or mountaineer through Patagonia. I'll probably be the only one to get a Master's in Geology. Maybe I'll get a Ph.D. (doubtful). Maybe I'll find my place in this world and where I fit into it.
What I really want to catalog in this post is this last weekend with my parents. There's a certain peace that comes when everyone reacts how they usually do. I had started setting up a top rope in one of the trees up in Three Lakes, WI. I didn't really expect anything to come of it. We were waiting for all the boats from the boat race to leave the marina so we could hitch up the Hayes' speedboat. So I "pulled a dad" and began my own project, incorporating everyone I could. Val was my spotter, although I have no idea what she planned on doing if I fell. Jessica was the photographer. And my dad was the curious little monkey who couldn't wait to get his hands on everything.
I ended up climbing about 45 feet or 50 feet up the tree and set up an anchor with two branches. So Jessica ended up climbing up after me. I was surprised at her agility and strength even though her hands are SO TINY! Val made it up after wards with her trick knee. My dad hovered around the edges of my peripheral vision the entire time. After Val got down, I asked my dad if he wanted to climb, and he said heck yeah. So I got him suited up... (in a medium... I still have no idea how that worked.)
He climbed up in his hiking boots and sweating through his purpley gray shirt. His strength is still there, but there is more of a question as he moves. His wrist, broken last summer, was giving him some issues, but otherwise, he scampered up there just as easily as I had. Once he got up, he asked for the hand saw and went to town getting rid of cluttered branches and dead limbs. Finally, he wanted to come back down. HOWEVER, he did NOT want to trust the rope. I told him, "It can hold a pick up truck, so I'm pretty sure it'll hold you." But dad didn't want to believe it. So he stood up 45 feet on a branch and did the funniest shaky dance I've seen in my life. He was hopping up and down, waving his arms and shaking the branches and holding onto the rope laughing, giggling and suggesting that the rope would likely NOT hold him up.
Somewhere in the middle of that dance, I realized what all the hopping was. My dad was afraid. He didn't want the rope to break. (Hell, who would?) And he showed his fear by admitting it, dancing around, laughing and finally, getting down to business. I saw in that moment why I laugh when I'm afraid. I learned it from my dad. And I'm so glad I learned that skill. Maybe one day this little apple will grow into a strong beautiful tree like my dad. I'll never forget that day up in the trees. And I hope he never does either.

A Marriage of Convenience

Whoever could have guessed that marriage freaked me out needent have looked too far in my past. Aside from almost every nightmare of me trying to get out of marrying, I've also had nightmares where I'm trying to convince my siblings and friends to remain single. I like the IDEA of marriage, but I'm not ready to invest in it yet. I guess marriage to me is like the idea of saving for retirement. The idea of having all that money, security and stability just waiting to love me and take care of me is a brilliant idea, I'm just not ready to sacrifice my freedom to do whatever the hell I want in the meantime.

My first encounter with a proposal was in middle school. I was one of those cool kids. I'm sure you have an image in your head of the pretty, friendly and bubbly girl who was surrounded by friends and the perfect lunch every day. I was actually one of the kids who played video games all day and seriously considered making my life as similar to Everquest as I could. I didn't understand what everyone else did after school: their homework? That was for the 30 minutes before school started.

Also, I have to apologize. I did nothing in middle school and got straight A's. It was my first year in a public school and I was still riding off of skills I had acquired in 2nd grade at a Catholic School. It took until my fresh-soph... OK graduate school to acquire new and useful skills. Say what you will about Catholic schools. They suck, they stunt your social growth, but by god you can diagram sentences when you leave.

Back to where I was. My first marriage proposal was during my 12th year on this earth. I was a worldly, level 13, half-elf ranger on a quest when I had to stop over at a town to "level-up" and collect some mead for bribes in the forest. I met the half-elf man of my dreams. He was worldly, handsome and rich. Worldly because he had numerous quests I hadn't even dreamed of going on. He was handsome because every elfish character in Everquest is sexy if you go for that kind of thing. And rich! He was willing to give me old items because he had bought new armor and didn't need leather clad leggings or shirts anymore. He was the sugar daddy I'd never known I always wanted. I know you are thinking the word "nerd" or "loser" right about now. It's fine. I embrace my nerdiness.

We made dates every so often to go on Orc raids together and he helped me level up to 15 in just a couple of hours. We were EQ friends and I rather liked the idea of having a social life on an RPG (Role Playing Game, for all you non-PC nerds). We got together with friends and went to local pubs to get drunk and improve our tolerance levels. We bartered for goods. We stole treasures and quest items. All in all, a rather fun adventure.

Sadly, my wonderful world collapsed around me. He proposed marriage to me on EQ a couple of months after we first "met". I realized at the time it was just a game, but holy shit. You do not propose to a 12 year old, no matter what the situation. Therefore I had to do what I did best at that age. I lied. I countered. I objected. In short, I freaked the shit out. I made up some lie about seeing things and having to go to a psychiatrist and having commitment issues and being too young. It was incoherent and made no sense: not even to me.

I was 12. Of course I had commitment issues. Needless to say, that fell awkwardly by the wayside. I think he was a little stunned, and confused. Obviously, I was not ready for any type of commitment, fake or no.

Chronicler of Life's More Funny Events

In another off-kilter attempt to document some semblance of my life, I've now decided to catalog my top list of awkward, eventful, hilarious and painfully embarrassing encounters with the other kind. That is, the males of this planet. Can't wait to see how long this takes and if I ever get to the end of this list.

1. Everquest Marriage
2. "Serving Yourself" Shame
3. Ocean in Tennessee
4. Riboflavin
5. First Kiss
6. Giggling BJ
7. A Lake and a Hotel Room
8. Vegan Bush Lover
9. In a sock and out the window
10. Gag Reflex
11. Covert Pleasure
12. Baby, Gangsta Rap and Pearls
13. When YOU can't, Your mouth can
14. Charged, Repressed and Found Wanting
15. Performance Problems
16. Hit on You

Obviously what actually happened and what I remember are up for debate, however it is "herstory."