A Marriage of Convenience

Whoever could have guessed that marriage freaked me out needent have looked too far in my past. Aside from almost every nightmare of me trying to get out of marrying, I've also had nightmares where I'm trying to convince my siblings and friends to remain single. I like the IDEA of marriage, but I'm not ready to invest in it yet. I guess marriage to me is like the idea of saving for retirement. The idea of having all that money, security and stability just waiting to love me and take care of me is a brilliant idea, I'm just not ready to sacrifice my freedom to do whatever the hell I want in the meantime.

My first encounter with a proposal was in middle school. I was one of those cool kids. I'm sure you have an image in your head of the pretty, friendly and bubbly girl who was surrounded by friends and the perfect lunch every day. I was actually one of the kids who played video games all day and seriously considered making my life as similar to Everquest as I could. I didn't understand what everyone else did after school: their homework? That was for the 30 minutes before school started.

Also, I have to apologize. I did nothing in middle school and got straight A's. It was my first year in a public school and I was still riding off of skills I had acquired in 2nd grade at a Catholic School. It took until my fresh-soph... OK graduate school to acquire new and useful skills. Say what you will about Catholic schools. They suck, they stunt your social growth, but by god you can diagram sentences when you leave.

Back to where I was. My first marriage proposal was during my 12th year on this earth. I was a worldly, level 13, half-elf ranger on a quest when I had to stop over at a town to "level-up" and collect some mead for bribes in the forest. I met the half-elf man of my dreams. He was worldly, handsome and rich. Worldly because he had numerous quests I hadn't even dreamed of going on. He was handsome because every elfish character in Everquest is sexy if you go for that kind of thing. And rich! He was willing to give me old items because he had bought new armor and didn't need leather clad leggings or shirts anymore. He was the sugar daddy I'd never known I always wanted. I know you are thinking the word "nerd" or "loser" right about now. It's fine. I embrace my nerdiness.

We made dates every so often to go on Orc raids together and he helped me level up to 15 in just a couple of hours. We were EQ friends and I rather liked the idea of having a social life on an RPG (Role Playing Game, for all you non-PC nerds). We got together with friends and went to local pubs to get drunk and improve our tolerance levels. We bartered for goods. We stole treasures and quest items. All in all, a rather fun adventure.

Sadly, my wonderful world collapsed around me. He proposed marriage to me on EQ a couple of months after we first "met". I realized at the time it was just a game, but holy shit. You do not propose to a 12 year old, no matter what the situation. Therefore I had to do what I did best at that age. I lied. I countered. I objected. In short, I freaked the shit out. I made up some lie about seeing things and having to go to a psychiatrist and having commitment issues and being too young. It was incoherent and made no sense: not even to me.

I was 12. Of course I had commitment issues. Needless to say, that fell awkwardly by the wayside. I think he was a little stunned, and confused. Obviously, I was not ready for any type of commitment, fake or no.

Chronicler of Life's More Funny Events

In another off-kilter attempt to document some semblance of my life, I've now decided to catalog my top list of awkward, eventful, hilarious and painfully embarrassing encounters with the other kind. That is, the males of this planet. Can't wait to see how long this takes and if I ever get to the end of this list.

1. Everquest Marriage
2. "Serving Yourself" Shame
3. Ocean in Tennessee
4. Riboflavin
5. First Kiss
6. Giggling BJ
7. A Lake and a Hotel Room
8. Vegan Bush Lover
9. In a sock and out the window
10. Gag Reflex
11. Covert Pleasure
12. Baby, Gangsta Rap and Pearls
13. When YOU can't, Your mouth can
14. Charged, Repressed and Found Wanting
15. Performance Problems
16. Hit on You

Obviously what actually happened and what I remember are up for debate, however it is "herstory."