Emotionally Stable?

I can't decide if the longer I am in science, the weirder the people are, or the more aware I am of them. Almost all of my friends are on some sort of drug to help them out... depression, ADD, ADHD, OCD, eating disorders. It's insane. I mean, I've come to realize that I probably have obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. I was talking with Val today and realized that this trait is inherent in my personality and comes to a crux every time I am in high stress. Cleaning religiously, making schedules, lists, etc. Basically it's a way to control a situation. It's funny because low lying depression and super cleanliness are two of the 10 traits seen by these people. And those are the traits of mine that go crazy when I can't control any other part of my life. And now that I've sort of let obsessive cleanliness and organization go away for a little bit, I'm happier. I'm allowing myself to experience life at a less structured pace. And I think that's a good thing. I think I clean to maintain a semblance of order, which obviously is never going to work. The world is just a crazy jumble of disorder and life is contained chaos. I should just learn to thrive on that. I know I sound like I am rambling, but I actually feel a lot better about myself as time goes on. I'm slowly controlling my eating, which is DANG hard, but possibly possible. Baby steps. Baby steps for me are the way to go. Sudden action never really works out because I always want to jump back a little bit and re-test the water. Maybe that's what this year has been for me. A learning about myself, how to take care of myself and how to handle myself as an adult, capable of taking care of myself. Me me me! I think that's why me and relationships right now are so weird. I'm figuring out who I am and who fits in with me. And I should. I need to take the time to know me. Definitely before I try to be with someone else.

I've Got Your Back

I can't decide what type of human I am sometimes. For the most part I am a loyal friend, compassionate, quite independent and maybe lovable and cuddly. I try to stay in contact with friends, old boyfriends, etc. Whether it's from a curiosity standpoint or what, I don't really know. Yesterday, I got an email followed by a text from Steve. (A fairly recent ex) Of course I responded to it, and found myself getting invited to an impromptu Superbowl Sunday fiesta. I had been invited by Kevin (a possible, but highly improbable "love" interest). I had no desire to go hang out with Kevin. I think it has something to do with the fact that he doesn't challenge me at all. It's not really exciting. Which, in some respects is probably really good. No real arguments, fights, disagreements, etc. However, there's no challenge. And sadly, that is something I need. Without someone to challenge me, I basically turn into a brat, and that's no fun. But anyways... back to the superbowl party. I decided, heck, why not? It would be free food, a nice warm fireplace, good company and a chance to get some of my work done. All in all, not too shabby of a night. So I went. Food was good (for party food), the fireplace was perfect and I did get quite a bit of a dissertation read. Good times had by all :) So people started leaving, first Mike (eye candy), followed by Mylie, and then Taz got pissed off at the guys for teasing her about Sumir's sexual orientation (her fiance). Finally it was me, Kyle and Sarah (his gf from Georgia) and they soon left. Then it was just me, steve, his granola and the fireplace. We started talking... me about my issues with my advisor and steve about his... legal dilemma. Apparently a girl is accusing Steve of sexual assault and he may have to go to court to prove his innocence. And that just sucks. I just can't imagine Steve purposely hurting anyone like that. The only way anything resembling something like that happening would be if this girl didn't say to stop. The second she would have said stop, or quit it, or no, I know Steve would have backed off. He's too into mutual beneficial fun sex for it to be one sided. Besides the fact that he wouldn't ever assault someone. I just don't believe it. What is this girl thinking?

Sunday Madness

Well I must say, working out with the grad students on Sunday is a BLAST! Stephanie was too sick to make it, and Val forgot what time we were all meeting, but otherwise Gideon, Bess, Mary and myself had a kick-ass time. We played knockout for about an hour and I definitely felt as though I was breathing hard enough and was pretty fatigued. I only won twice, but overall, it was a great way to hang out, release some steam and laugh our butts off. We just have so much fun together, and it doesn't even really matter what it is. Yes, we are all quite competitive, but somehow, it doesn't get in the way too much. We do have our egos to worry about, but it's like we've all grown up and realize that everyone has faults and strengths and you just work with what you have. It's refreshing and lovely. I can't wait for next Sunday!