So I've been on edge a little bit lately. But more than on edge. I've been harboring some serious anger. Anything that goes against my plan receives some seriously negative feedback.
And I wish I could do something about it... but I'm sort of on this steamroller mode. Get with my program or get the hell out of my way.
Now normally I'd like to think I'm a fairly decent human being. Thanks to Borsey confirming that thought... most likely I'm not too crappy on the horrible human meter. However, the last two weeks or so I've been ready to rip people's heads off.
Don't tell me I'm doing something wrong. Don't question my judgment. Don't second-guess me. Don't make me late. Don't give me more work. Don't mess with my schedule. And you better not tell me that I'm intelligible.
Three most recent examples:
1. Borsey and I have a fantastic relationship. We harass each other and demean each other in jest. It builds our bond and I can't help but feel like we truly understand each other. We know that deep beneath our crusty, cranky, cynical exterior: well there is a wonderful person capable of immense amounts of empathy and compassion. Our cranky-ness is our shell.
Anyways, I haven't been able to take the teasing lately. It's nothing against Borsey. And I still appreciate the humor and the depreciation. It still makes our friendship what it is. However, my shell is really thin. It's thin and fragile.
**Tangent**
Right now I need a brick wall to protect me from my terror of not finishing my thesis, not being ready to go to India, not being able to handle my move to Houston. It's a big scary world out there. And to be honest, I still feel like a 7 year old who needs my dad around to protect me and help me make good decisions. I know I've thanked my parents in the past. They've done a thousand amazing things for me and I appreciate them. However, it's not until big life changing events occur that I realize how much I still need them and depend on them. For heaven's sake, my dad is flying down with me to Houston to look at apartments. I know that I don't actually "need" him there, and I'm pretty sure he knows I can find an apartment on my own. I've done it three times already. But I need his support. I need his presence. I need his reassurance that he's there, and he will be there. I'm worried about leaving. I'm worried about putting a barrier between us. And I'm scared. The beautiful part is that I think he knows that I'm scared. Because his love is boundless for me, he's willing to put aside the thought of the cost of the trip to fly down to Houston, and just go. He loves me so much that he's able to let me fly away. How amazing is that? I know he'd rather have me around, but he's so supportive. It's wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. I couldn't have ever asked for a better dad.
**End Tangent**
2. I yelled at Stacy today. Her and her friends got to Sammy's Diner before me this morning, had ordered and got their food and ate half of it by the time I got there. I was mad that we couldn't go to cracker barrel, and that she had her entourage with her, and it wasn't on my schedule. It wasn't on my time. And I got mad. So I yelled at her for lying to me about when she got to Sammy's. I don't know if she was or not, but it felt like it. (I'm a crazy person!)
3. After calming down from breakfast (I terrorized her roommate Susan and friend Kim.) Stacy and I went to go see The Adjustment Bureau. The movie was wonderful. I really liked how deep it went and how much of a "thinker" the movie was. And I continued to be in a good mood until we drove back to my spot to find a Cadillac where my Nissan should go. Basically we called the towing company and got that car out of there SO fast. I was so mad though. How dare that person take my spot? How dare they cramp my style and waste my time? I was really angry. Stacy took it rather well, but I was P.O.ed. Ugh. I need to go to India... where it's pretty and relaxing, and different.
