Lost Trust, Broken Heart

I guess I should also mention that I'd like to find a guy with whom I trust and actually love. I know that sounds easy, but I've had it pretty rough. The last guy I really loved was Alex, and he cheated on me with a co-worker. One we both worked with. I was devastated to say the least. It's hard sometimes when the anger isn't there. Then there is just sadness; bitterness, which is then followed by loneliness. It hurts. I think it's harder that I see him every day at work. I have to interact with him. I have to act like it doesn't hurt when I see him. Like it doesn't matter. I can remember all the ways he made me feel less important and not cared for and crazy, but I still love the jerk. And I don't know why. Maybe I do need counseling. But it's not like they would say anything I haven't already heard. I know that I'm better off without him. And I know that I'm happier not believing myself to be crazy. It's just that I mourn the illusion that we had. That happy illusion where Alex walked up behind me to give me a hug, and stroked away the hair from my face, and made me laugh, and didn't get angry at me for the dumbest things. I can still remember when Bruce told him to apologize to me. I was so hurt and angry and pissed and dead. I felt dead inside. I felt so many things that I was a rotting corpse from the inside out. Something inside me died that day. And I know I haven't gotten it back since. I'll never forget him standing there crying underneath that tree. I was heartless to him, but I think it was because mine was broken. Of course he didn't see what I saw when I saw him with Carly the night before. I wish I had just pushed him away instead of asking questions, trying to talk, seeing each other as fallible human beings. That didn't work. I knew it wouldn't. And yet I hoped. Then I let him go.

A New Year

So after some thought this past year on what I'd like to accomplish, achieve, finish, etc. Here's my New Years Resolution List.

1. Train diligently for my first half marathon.
2. Finish my first Half-Marathon in May.
3. Do ceramics at least 4 hours every week to improve skill and technique.
4. Furnish my apartment with my own ceramic dishes.
5. Lose some fat and get into better shape.
6. Work on mental exercises, visualization, positive thinking and reinforcement.
7. Work harder and play harder.
8. Have a healthy relationship with food.
9. Learn and practice self-control.
10. Be more assertive when planning and talking with Bruce.
11. Get my thesis plan hammered out and start collecting samples by June 1st.