Lost Trust, Broken Heart

I guess I should also mention that I'd like to find a guy with whom I trust and actually love. I know that sounds easy, but I've had it pretty rough. The last guy I really loved was Alex, and he cheated on me with a co-worker. One we both worked with. I was devastated to say the least. It's hard sometimes when the anger isn't there. Then there is just sadness; bitterness, which is then followed by loneliness. It hurts. I think it's harder that I see him every day at work. I have to interact with him. I have to act like it doesn't hurt when I see him. Like it doesn't matter. I can remember all the ways he made me feel less important and not cared for and crazy, but I still love the jerk. And I don't know why. Maybe I do need counseling. But it's not like they would say anything I haven't already heard. I know that I'm better off without him. And I know that I'm happier not believing myself to be crazy. It's just that I mourn the illusion that we had. That happy illusion where Alex walked up behind me to give me a hug, and stroked away the hair from my face, and made me laugh, and didn't get angry at me for the dumbest things. I can still remember when Bruce told him to apologize to me. I was so hurt and angry and pissed and dead. I felt dead inside. I felt so many things that I was a rotting corpse from the inside out. Something inside me died that day. And I know I haven't gotten it back since. I'll never forget him standing there crying underneath that tree. I was heartless to him, but I think it was because mine was broken. Of course he didn't see what I saw when I saw him with Carly the night before. I wish I had just pushed him away instead of asking questions, trying to talk, seeing each other as fallible human beings. That didn't work. I knew it wouldn't. And yet I hoped. Then I let him go.