Stream of consci...

I recently took a quiz that told me my personality is an ENTJ: the executive. I can't help but wonder if I created that monster or if the monster created itself. I'm going to have the hardest time in the world finding someone to love me, deal with me and make me feel loved and respected and cherished. And in the meantime I just let people walk all over me. Just walk and walk and walk. But it's not friends that walk all over me, it's men. Which is funny because I used to let my friends do whatever they wanted and put up with everyone's shit. I guess I felt like I was just lucky to have a friend, lucky that someone wanted to spend time with me. And because of that, I was willing to sacrifice myself to figure that out. And now, now I have that all together. I have me together. I have my friends. I have my freedom. I have my own time, my own way of doing things. And as my dad said, you are making choices that create a life that you can't un-create. You are making your future one choice at a time. And even not choosing, well that's a choice now isn't it? Choices are so scary. They can consume me. I hate making choices because logically I can think through something but then I just let my heart decide what I should do and come up with reasons to support my heart.
My heart. Wow. My heart. I think I'm broken, or screwed up. Who knows. I feel like I carry my baggage around like crazy. Yes... all these boyfriends, with all these pasts. I feel like I should make a pact with myself. Once I move down to Houston, no more talking about past boyfriends. No past stories. I'll recreate myself. I can make my own image of myself to make myself happy. I can be skinny, successful, a dog owner. I can run trails around my house. I can live in a lush area in a cute apartment. I will be me, but better. I'll be an image of me that makes myself happy, that makes myself proud to be myself. I'll be an image of the woman I want to be so that when I find the man I want my future me to be with, he'll want to be with me also. I keep trying to tell myself that, but it's SO hard. I can meditate on my own images, on my own thought process. God Hindi is such a hard language to learn. I left class today thinking I was a failure. All I could see was why high school was so hard for me. It's brutal.