I am at the point in my life where traditionally people make big grand decisions about their life. Are they going to work full time? Are they going to get married? Is buying a house a good idea in this market?
And me. Well I'm trying to decide what I want to do for the next 5 years of my life. I figure if I graduate at 23.5 years old, travel abroad in India for 30 days, work for GeoCorps for the entirety of the summer and then travel in Patagonia for 90 days, I should be pretty worn out from all the outdoor adventure... right? Or what if it sparks in me an insatiable desire to continue. What if it makes me want to keep trying to find the next mountain to climb, the next river to forage, the next adventure to have?
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
The Apple and The Tree
I've recently been blessed to be able to identify with where I get certain attributes of myself. I know that my pudgy hands and feet are from my dad. I know that my stubbornness comes from my mom. I know my squinty eyes are inherited from my grandma Dwyer while my love of sweets comes from my mom's mom. My cold ears come from my grandpa Quatroke and my love of rocks come from grandpa Dwyer.
It's nice to think that for however unique I am, I am also an integral part of the tapestry of my family. I share Colin's sense of humor, Mike's sense of adventure, Johny's love of competition (running even?), I love Adam Sandler like Ryan does and admire Jennifer's grace and style. I wish I could have even a spark of Stacy's attitude and Suzanne's adaptability.
And so, from all of that, I need to make my own way in live. Maybe I'll be the only one to backpack through the Himalayas, or mountaineer through Patagonia. I'll probably be the only one to get a Master's in Geology. Maybe I'll get a Ph.D. (doubtful). Maybe I'll find my place in this world and where I fit into it.
What I really want to catalog in this post is this last weekend with my parents. There's a certain peace that comes when everyone reacts how they usually do. I had started setting up a top rope in one of the trees up in Three Lakes, WI. I didn't really expect anything to come of it. We were waiting for all the boats from the boat race to leave the marina so we could hitch up the Hayes' speedboat. So I "pulled a dad" and began my own project, incorporating everyone I could. Val was my spotter, although I have no idea what she planned on doing if I fell. Jessica was the photographer. And my dad was the curious little monkey who couldn't wait to get his hands on everything.
I ended up climbing about 45 feet or 50 feet up the tree and set up an anchor with two branches. So Jessica ended up climbing up after me. I was surprised at her agility and strength even though her hands are SO TINY! Val made it up after wards with her trick knee. My dad hovered around the edges of my peripheral vision the entire time. After Val got down, I asked my dad if he wanted to climb, and he said heck yeah. So I got him suited up... (in a medium... I still have no idea how that worked.)
He climbed up in his hiking boots and sweating through his purpley gray shirt. His strength is still there, but there is more of a question as he moves. His wrist, broken last summer, was giving him some issues, but otherwise, he scampered up there just as easily as I had. Once he got up, he asked for the hand saw and went to town getting rid of cluttered branches and dead limbs. Finally, he wanted to come back down. HOWEVER, he did NOT want to trust the rope. I told him, "It can hold a pick up truck, so I'm pretty sure it'll hold you." But dad didn't want to believe it. So he stood up 45 feet on a branch and did the funniest shaky dance I've seen in my life. He was hopping up and down, waving his arms and shaking the branches and holding onto the rope laughing, giggling and suggesting that the rope would likely NOT hold him up.
Somewhere in the middle of that dance, I realized what all the hopping was. My dad was afraid. He didn't want the rope to break. (Hell, who would?) And he showed his fear by admitting it, dancing around, laughing and finally, getting down to business. I saw in that moment why I laugh when I'm afraid. I learned it from my dad. And I'm so glad I learned that skill. Maybe one day this little apple will grow into a strong beautiful tree like my dad. I'll never forget that day up in the trees. And I hope he never does either.
It's nice to think that for however unique I am, I am also an integral part of the tapestry of my family. I share Colin's sense of humor, Mike's sense of adventure, Johny's love of competition (running even?), I love Adam Sandler like Ryan does and admire Jennifer's grace and style. I wish I could have even a spark of Stacy's attitude and Suzanne's adaptability.
And so, from all of that, I need to make my own way in live. Maybe I'll be the only one to backpack through the Himalayas, or mountaineer through Patagonia. I'll probably be the only one to get a Master's in Geology. Maybe I'll get a Ph.D. (doubtful). Maybe I'll find my place in this world and where I fit into it.
What I really want to catalog in this post is this last weekend with my parents. There's a certain peace that comes when everyone reacts how they usually do. I had started setting up a top rope in one of the trees up in Three Lakes, WI. I didn't really expect anything to come of it. We were waiting for all the boats from the boat race to leave the marina so we could hitch up the Hayes' speedboat. So I "pulled a dad" and began my own project, incorporating everyone I could. Val was my spotter, although I have no idea what she planned on doing if I fell. Jessica was the photographer. And my dad was the curious little monkey who couldn't wait to get his hands on everything.
I ended up climbing about 45 feet or 50 feet up the tree and set up an anchor with two branches. So Jessica ended up climbing up after me. I was surprised at her agility and strength even though her hands are SO TINY! Val made it up after wards with her trick knee. My dad hovered around the edges of my peripheral vision the entire time. After Val got down, I asked my dad if he wanted to climb, and he said heck yeah. So I got him suited up... (in a medium... I still have no idea how that worked.)
He climbed up in his hiking boots and sweating through his purpley gray shirt. His strength is still there, but there is more of a question as he moves. His wrist, broken last summer, was giving him some issues, but otherwise, he scampered up there just as easily as I had. Once he got up, he asked for the hand saw and went to town getting rid of cluttered branches and dead limbs. Finally, he wanted to come back down. HOWEVER, he did NOT want to trust the rope. I told him, "It can hold a pick up truck, so I'm pretty sure it'll hold you." But dad didn't want to believe it. So he stood up 45 feet on a branch and did the funniest shaky dance I've seen in my life. He was hopping up and down, waving his arms and shaking the branches and holding onto the rope laughing, giggling and suggesting that the rope would likely NOT hold him up.
Somewhere in the middle of that dance, I realized what all the hopping was. My dad was afraid. He didn't want the rope to break. (Hell, who would?) And he showed his fear by admitting it, dancing around, laughing and finally, getting down to business. I saw in that moment why I laugh when I'm afraid. I learned it from my dad. And I'm so glad I learned that skill. Maybe one day this little apple will grow into a strong beautiful tree like my dad. I'll never forget that day up in the trees. And I hope he never does either.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
A Marriage of Convenience
Whoever could have guessed that marriage freaked me out needent have looked too far in my past. Aside from almost every nightmare of me trying to get out of marrying, I've also had nightmares where I'm trying to convince my siblings and friends to remain single. I like the IDEA of marriage, but I'm not ready to invest in it yet. I guess marriage to me is like the idea of saving for retirement. The idea of having all that money, security and stability just waiting to love me and take care of me is a brilliant idea, I'm just not ready to sacrifice my freedom to do whatever the hell I want in the meantime.
My first encounter with a proposal was in middle school. I was one of those cool kids. I'm sure you have an image in your head of the pretty, friendly and bubbly girl who was surrounded by friends and the perfect lunch every day. I was actually one of the kids who played video games all day and seriously considered making my life as similar to Everquest as I could. I didn't understand what everyone else did after school: their homework? That was for the 30 minutes before school started.
Also, I have to apologize. I did nothing in middle school and got straight A's. It was my first year in a public school and I was still riding off of skills I had acquired in 2nd grade at a Catholic School. It took until my fresh-soph... OK graduate school to acquire new and useful skills. Say what you will about Catholic schools. They suck, they stunt your social growth, but by god you can diagram sentences when you leave.
Back to where I was. My first marriage proposal was during my 12th year on this earth. I was a worldly, level 13, half-elf ranger on a quest when I had to stop over at a town to "level-up" and collect some mead for bribes in the forest. I met the half-elf man of my dreams. He was worldly, handsome and rich. Worldly because he had numerous quests I hadn't even dreamed of going on. He was handsome because every elfish character in Everquest is sexy if you go for that kind of thing. And rich! He was willing to give me old items because he had bought new armor and didn't need leather clad leggings or shirts anymore. He was the sugar daddy I'd never known I always wanted. I know you are thinking the word "nerd" or "loser" right about now. It's fine. I embrace my nerdiness.
We made dates every so often to go on Orc raids together and he helped me level up to 15 in just a couple of hours. We were EQ friends and I rather liked the idea of having a social life on an RPG (Role Playing Game, for all you non-PC nerds). We got together with friends and went to local pubs to get drunk and improve our tolerance levels. We bartered for goods. We stole treasures and quest items. All in all, a rather fun adventure.
Sadly, my wonderful world collapsed around me. He proposed marriage to me on EQ a couple of months after we first "met". I realized at the time it was just a game, but holy shit. You do not propose to a 12 year old, no matter what the situation. Therefore I had to do what I did best at that age. I lied. I countered. I objected. In short, I freaked the shit out. I made up some lie about seeing things and having to go to a psychiatrist and having commitment issues and being too young. It was incoherent and made no sense: not even to me.
I was 12. Of course I had commitment issues. Needless to say, that fell awkwardly by the wayside. I think he was a little stunned, and confused. Obviously, I was not ready for any type of commitment, fake or no.
My first encounter with a proposal was in middle school. I was one of those cool kids. I'm sure you have an image in your head of the pretty, friendly and bubbly girl who was surrounded by friends and the perfect lunch every day. I was actually one of the kids who played video games all day and seriously considered making my life as similar to Everquest as I could. I didn't understand what everyone else did after school: their homework? That was for the 30 minutes before school started.
Also, I have to apologize. I did nothing in middle school and got straight A's. It was my first year in a public school and I was still riding off of skills I had acquired in 2nd grade at a Catholic School. It took until my fresh-soph... OK graduate school to acquire new and useful skills. Say what you will about Catholic schools. They suck, they stunt your social growth, but by god you can diagram sentences when you leave.
Back to where I was. My first marriage proposal was during my 12th year on this earth. I was a worldly, level 13, half-elf ranger on a quest when I had to stop over at a town to "level-up" and collect some mead for bribes in the forest. I met the half-elf man of my dreams. He was worldly, handsome and rich. Worldly because he had numerous quests I hadn't even dreamed of going on. He was handsome because every elfish character in Everquest is sexy if you go for that kind of thing. And rich! He was willing to give me old items because he had bought new armor and didn't need leather clad leggings or shirts anymore. He was the sugar daddy I'd never known I always wanted. I know you are thinking the word "nerd" or "loser" right about now. It's fine. I embrace my nerdiness.
We made dates every so often to go on Orc raids together and he helped me level up to 15 in just a couple of hours. We were EQ friends and I rather liked the idea of having a social life on an RPG (Role Playing Game, for all you non-PC nerds). We got together with friends and went to local pubs to get drunk and improve our tolerance levels. We bartered for goods. We stole treasures and quest items. All in all, a rather fun adventure.
Sadly, my wonderful world collapsed around me. He proposed marriage to me on EQ a couple of months after we first "met". I realized at the time it was just a game, but holy shit. You do not propose to a 12 year old, no matter what the situation. Therefore I had to do what I did best at that age. I lied. I countered. I objected. In short, I freaked the shit out. I made up some lie about seeing things and having to go to a psychiatrist and having commitment issues and being too young. It was incoherent and made no sense: not even to me.
I was 12. Of course I had commitment issues. Needless to say, that fell awkwardly by the wayside. I think he was a little stunned, and confused. Obviously, I was not ready for any type of commitment, fake or no.
Chronicler of Life's More Funny Events
In another off-kilter attempt to document some semblance of my life, I've now decided to catalog my top list of awkward, eventful, hilarious and painfully embarrassing encounters with the other kind. That is, the males of this planet. Can't wait to see how long this takes and if I ever get to the end of this list.
1. Everquest Marriage
2. "Serving Yourself" Shame
3. Ocean in Tennessee
4. Riboflavin
5. First Kiss
6. Giggling BJ
7. A Lake and a Hotel Room
8. Vegan Bush Lover
9. In a sock and out the window
10. Gag Reflex
11. Covert Pleasure
12. Baby, Gangsta Rap and Pearls
13. When YOU can't, Your mouth can
14. Charged, Repressed and Found Wanting
15. Performance Problems
16. Hit on You
Obviously what actually happened and what I remember are up for debate, however it is "herstory."
1. Everquest Marriage
2. "Serving Yourself" Shame
3. Ocean in Tennessee
4. Riboflavin
5. First Kiss
6. Giggling BJ
7. A Lake and a Hotel Room
8. Vegan Bush Lover
9. In a sock and out the window
10. Gag Reflex
11. Covert Pleasure
12. Baby, Gangsta Rap and Pearls
13. When YOU can't, Your mouth can
14. Charged, Repressed and Found Wanting
15. Performance Problems
16. Hit on You
Obviously what actually happened and what I remember are up for debate, however it is "herstory."
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Hot Mess
I wonder if other people look at their friends every once and awhile just to see if anything has changed. Like looking at my group of friends that I hang out with, everyone is so unique and different. All are exceptional in their respective fields of geology, and all are exceptionally different. I'm going to assume that their uniqueness is what makes them tick, what makes them good scientists, good students, and essentially good friends. Everyone knows that the world is full of unique people, but I think it's the true eccentricities that make it to graduate school and into academia. I'm not sure what it is about "intellectuals", but I have the feeling that they are truely a breed of their own.
Here's a couple of case studies:
Val. Val. Wow, what to say, what to say. Val is probably one of the most complex people that I know. Originally meeting Val and getting to know her was painful. Painful probably to the point where I didn't really want to be around her. Actually I didn't even like her. She drove me NUTS. She doesn't know how to turn off. She's constantly on talk... except when she isn't. When Val doesn't want to talk, you will know. Aside from the constant garble that comes from her mouth, she is one of the most considerate, understanding people that you could ever hope to be your friend. She understands that everyone has their own needs, their own battles, their own fears. And she respects everyone for their own-ness. She's always got your back, you just have to get to "true" Val before you let her.
Mary was probably one of the most over-thought-out friends of mine. I was always wondering what made her tick, and all that. I have to thank Kayla for my friendship with Mary. I'm not sure exactly what it is about Kayla that she sees how awesome everyone is, but Kayla can see into peoples' hearts and minds. She finds true friends and true people and loves them. I don't know how she does it, but Kayla opened my eyes up to Mary. Initially I got the impression from Alex that she's a "weirdo" and lesbian. Both things, in context could have thrown me for a real loop, but Mary is nice enough and open enough that I figured, eh, why not? I'll make friends if she's cool, and won't if she's not. And she's becoming a better and better friend every day. We support each others' working out habits and swimming. I'm sure she has her own battles, fears and "no-go zones" to deal with. But she lets you know that you are welcome into her life. And being welcome, that's a beautiful thing too.
Here's a couple of case studies:
Val. Val. Wow, what to say, what to say. Val is probably one of the most complex people that I know. Originally meeting Val and getting to know her was painful. Painful probably to the point where I didn't really want to be around her. Actually I didn't even like her. She drove me NUTS. She doesn't know how to turn off. She's constantly on talk... except when she isn't. When Val doesn't want to talk, you will know. Aside from the constant garble that comes from her mouth, she is one of the most considerate, understanding people that you could ever hope to be your friend. She understands that everyone has their own needs, their own battles, their own fears. And she respects everyone for their own-ness. She's always got your back, you just have to get to "true" Val before you let her.
Mary was probably one of the most over-thought-out friends of mine. I was always wondering what made her tick, and all that. I have to thank Kayla for my friendship with Mary. I'm not sure exactly what it is about Kayla that she sees how awesome everyone is, but Kayla can see into peoples' hearts and minds. She finds true friends and true people and loves them. I don't know how she does it, but Kayla opened my eyes up to Mary. Initially I got the impression from Alex that she's a "weirdo" and lesbian. Both things, in context could have thrown me for a real loop, but Mary is nice enough and open enough that I figured, eh, why not? I'll make friends if she's cool, and won't if she's not. And she's becoming a better and better friend every day. We support each others' working out habits and swimming. I'm sure she has her own battles, fears and "no-go zones" to deal with. But she lets you know that you are welcome into her life. And being welcome, that's a beautiful thing too.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Taking a Stand
After careful contemplation of my life, I've realized that I do a lot of things so as to not piss other people off. I think I'd rather do things for me for awhile. I realize there is some guilt and responsibility with interacting with other people and I think I'd like to shake that up a bit. I know that I do a TON of things just for me, and I'd like to see how different that would be if I was purposely doing things ONLY for me for a week or two. And then switch it up. Do a LOT of things for other people. I don't want to do this to change relationships with my friends and family, but I think it would be cool to see exactly where I draw the line between doing things for others and doing things for me. I could even look at the short-term vs. long term desires. Some things good for me now probably won't be good for me in the future and some things bad for me now, may be good for me later in life. I guess it'll be an experiment in re-invention.
I think that it will also involve more thinking on my part. What is good for me right now? What isn't? What's my cost benefit? That's quite an analytical way to look at life. Maybe after I do all the thinking, I'll just do what comes to my head and intuitively do that. How different would my life be?
I think that it will also involve more thinking on my part. What is good for me right now? What isn't? What's my cost benefit? That's quite an analytical way to look at life. Maybe after I do all the thinking, I'll just do what comes to my head and intuitively do that. How different would my life be?
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Emotionally Stable?
I can't decide if the longer I am in science, the weirder the people are, or the more aware I am of them. Almost all of my friends are on some sort of drug to help them out... depression, ADD, ADHD, OCD, eating disorders. It's insane. I mean, I've come to realize that I probably have obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. I was talking with Val today and realized that this trait is inherent in my personality and comes to a crux every time I am in high stress. Cleaning religiously, making schedules, lists, etc. Basically it's a way to control a situation. It's funny because low lying depression and super cleanliness are two of the 10 traits seen by these people. And those are the traits of mine that go crazy when I can't control any other part of my life. And now that I've sort of let obsessive cleanliness and organization go away for a little bit, I'm happier. I'm allowing myself to experience life at a less structured pace. And I think that's a good thing. I think I clean to maintain a semblance of order, which obviously is never going to work. The world is just a crazy jumble of disorder and life is contained chaos. I should just learn to thrive on that. I know I sound like I am rambling, but I actually feel a lot better about myself as time goes on. I'm slowly controlling my eating, which is DANG hard, but possibly possible. Baby steps. Baby steps for me are the way to go. Sudden action never really works out because I always want to jump back a little bit and re-test the water. Maybe that's what this year has been for me. A learning about myself, how to take care of myself and how to handle myself as an adult, capable of taking care of myself. Me me me! I think that's why me and relationships right now are so weird. I'm figuring out who I am and who fits in with me. And I should. I need to take the time to know me. Definitely before I try to be with someone else.
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