Emotionally Stable?

I can't decide if the longer I am in science, the weirder the people are, or the more aware I am of them. Almost all of my friends are on some sort of drug to help them out... depression, ADD, ADHD, OCD, eating disorders. It's insane. I mean, I've come to realize that I probably have obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. I was talking with Val today and realized that this trait is inherent in my personality and comes to a crux every time I am in high stress. Cleaning religiously, making schedules, lists, etc. Basically it's a way to control a situation. It's funny because low lying depression and super cleanliness are two of the 10 traits seen by these people. And those are the traits of mine that go crazy when I can't control any other part of my life. And now that I've sort of let obsessive cleanliness and organization go away for a little bit, I'm happier. I'm allowing myself to experience life at a less structured pace. And I think that's a good thing. I think I clean to maintain a semblance of order, which obviously is never going to work. The world is just a crazy jumble of disorder and life is contained chaos. I should just learn to thrive on that. I know I sound like I am rambling, but I actually feel a lot better about myself as time goes on. I'm slowly controlling my eating, which is DANG hard, but possibly possible. Baby steps. Baby steps for me are the way to go. Sudden action never really works out because I always want to jump back a little bit and re-test the water. Maybe that's what this year has been for me. A learning about myself, how to take care of myself and how to handle myself as an adult, capable of taking care of myself. Me me me! I think that's why me and relationships right now are so weird. I'm figuring out who I am and who fits in with me. And I should. I need to take the time to know me. Definitely before I try to be with someone else.

I've Got Your Back

I can't decide what type of human I am sometimes. For the most part I am a loyal friend, compassionate, quite independent and maybe lovable and cuddly. I try to stay in contact with friends, old boyfriends, etc. Whether it's from a curiosity standpoint or what, I don't really know. Yesterday, I got an email followed by a text from Steve. (A fairly recent ex) Of course I responded to it, and found myself getting invited to an impromptu Superbowl Sunday fiesta. I had been invited by Kevin (a possible, but highly improbable "love" interest). I had no desire to go hang out with Kevin. I think it has something to do with the fact that he doesn't challenge me at all. It's not really exciting. Which, in some respects is probably really good. No real arguments, fights, disagreements, etc. However, there's no challenge. And sadly, that is something I need. Without someone to challenge me, I basically turn into a brat, and that's no fun. But anyways... back to the superbowl party. I decided, heck, why not? It would be free food, a nice warm fireplace, good company and a chance to get some of my work done. All in all, not too shabby of a night. So I went. Food was good (for party food), the fireplace was perfect and I did get quite a bit of a dissertation read. Good times had by all :) So people started leaving, first Mike (eye candy), followed by Mylie, and then Taz got pissed off at the guys for teasing her about Sumir's sexual orientation (her fiance). Finally it was me, Kyle and Sarah (his gf from Georgia) and they soon left. Then it was just me, steve, his granola and the fireplace. We started talking... me about my issues with my advisor and steve about his... legal dilemma. Apparently a girl is accusing Steve of sexual assault and he may have to go to court to prove his innocence. And that just sucks. I just can't imagine Steve purposely hurting anyone like that. The only way anything resembling something like that happening would be if this girl didn't say to stop. The second she would have said stop, or quit it, or no, I know Steve would have backed off. He's too into mutual beneficial fun sex for it to be one sided. Besides the fact that he wouldn't ever assault someone. I just don't believe it. What is this girl thinking?

Sunday Madness

Well I must say, working out with the grad students on Sunday is a BLAST! Stephanie was too sick to make it, and Val forgot what time we were all meeting, but otherwise Gideon, Bess, Mary and myself had a kick-ass time. We played knockout for about an hour and I definitely felt as though I was breathing hard enough and was pretty fatigued. I only won twice, but overall, it was a great way to hang out, release some steam and laugh our butts off. We just have so much fun together, and it doesn't even really matter what it is. Yes, we are all quite competitive, but somehow, it doesn't get in the way too much. We do have our egos to worry about, but it's like we've all grown up and realize that everyone has faults and strengths and you just work with what you have. It's refreshing and lovely. I can't wait for next Sunday!

Shin Splints

Apparently people of all ages, mostly athletes will at one time or another get a sports injury. To that I say... inconceivable! It's like saying if you live life, you will get hurt. So I'm in the middle of deciding what to do with my shin splints. I've gotten tons of advice. Full rest. Take 3 days off, then go about life like nothing happened. Some rest, strengthening and going back to running once the pain is gone. SO now I can rehab my left shoulder, my left ankle and try to train for a half-marathon. Sort of disheartening huh? It also looks like my training guide is shot. I'm going to swim two days a week now. Serious abs workout on Monday, and then 20 minute segments on Wednesday and Friday. Tuesday's I'm going to try "the bike"... how dreadful does that sound? And Thursdays I'm going to climb and maybe do the elliptical(?). So not this Sunday, but next, I'll start running again. I'm just a little disheartened, but it's better to nip this in the bud now. That and once I start running again, it's NOT going to be outside. So I've got a lot to do eh? Just gotta try your best every day. Whatever your best is at that moment.

A New Path

So after getting back, I've realized that my world is pretty limited here in my dungeon. I interact with geologists... who are cool, but seriously not dating material. And I finally did something about it. I don't know if it's me being brave, crazy, or some weird combination of the two. I signed up for match.com. If Suzanne can find someone, and Jeff found someone, and Jackie found someone, that means there HAS to be someone out there for me. HAS TO BE! I'm convinced of this and so I'm embarking on a new journey, one not yet explored by me: online dating. I'll have to learn new lingo, mannerisms and culture. It'll be fun, scary and hopefully liberating on some new level. And if I'm lucky... I'll find someone, for me. And I think somewhere in the back of my head, that's what I'm really looking for. True, eternal love. Something that can weather the storms of life and come back stronger. Like an oak in contrary winds.

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch.

Me on CARMABI'S Dock

Lost Trust, Broken Heart

I guess I should also mention that I'd like to find a guy with whom I trust and actually love. I know that sounds easy, but I've had it pretty rough. The last guy I really loved was Alex, and he cheated on me with a co-worker. One we both worked with. I was devastated to say the least. It's hard sometimes when the anger isn't there. Then there is just sadness; bitterness, which is then followed by loneliness. It hurts. I think it's harder that I see him every day at work. I have to interact with him. I have to act like it doesn't hurt when I see him. Like it doesn't matter. I can remember all the ways he made me feel less important and not cared for and crazy, but I still love the jerk. And I don't know why. Maybe I do need counseling. But it's not like they would say anything I haven't already heard. I know that I'm better off without him. And I know that I'm happier not believing myself to be crazy. It's just that I mourn the illusion that we had. That happy illusion where Alex walked up behind me to give me a hug, and stroked away the hair from my face, and made me laugh, and didn't get angry at me for the dumbest things. I can still remember when Bruce told him to apologize to me. I was so hurt and angry and pissed and dead. I felt dead inside. I felt so many things that I was a rotting corpse from the inside out. Something inside me died that day. And I know I haven't gotten it back since. I'll never forget him standing there crying underneath that tree. I was heartless to him, but I think it was because mine was broken. Of course he didn't see what I saw when I saw him with Carly the night before. I wish I had just pushed him away instead of asking questions, trying to talk, seeing each other as fallible human beings. That didn't work. I knew it wouldn't. And yet I hoped. Then I let him go.