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Countdown Timer?

History

I have to say, no matter what else happens in my life; whoever comes and goes; however I make it through the semesters: I really enjoy hanging around with James. I told him today he's the perfect mix of cute and cocky that makes him irresistible in a rather adorable kind of way. Stephanie informed me he's really good looking... which I guess I knew? But that's really not why I like hanging out with him.

He's funny, we share similar views on life, and we have a history full of dumb moments and memorable times. We tease each other. We work out together. We cook together. And none of it is forced. If I'm busy, he doesn't get mad. I guess I really don't call him that often.

I think I like James so much because nothing is expected of me. I am who I am, and he is who he is. We find the same joys in life, and support each other... with a tad bit of teasing and good humored insulting added to the mix.

To be fair (alright, honest). He's the perfect stature for me. 6'4", blond hair, blue eyes, strong, not perfectly in shape, but still great. Plays basketball. Determined. Ambitious. Considerate... with a little bit of the good ol' opening doors thing going on. He does have some ideas of where women belong... (seriously, the kitchen?) which grate on my nerves. However, he understand that women are just as powerful and capable in the real world; also disadvantaged in the physical plane.

Anyways. I know nothing will ever happen with James b/c he's such a great friend and I like having him around randomly. I just wanted to have in down in writing how great I think he is.

New Hope

Well I'm not freaking out, and I'm not worried about anything in particular. I'm nervous. I'm that jittery nervous that comes with the unknown. It's the kind of nervous that sets your stomach to rumbling and your mind to thinking. I want to figure it out, and yet, part of the fun is just letting things happen as they will.

So I met a guy. Actually, I guess you could say I met a man. His name is Robert, and I'm still working on what I want to call him. Robert. Rob. Bob. Nah, Bob is yucky. I think I like Rob: the name and the man. He's cute in a boyishly charming way. He's honest. He is gentlemanly. He opens doors for me. He shares my view of the world. We are both really active. He loves how independent and focused I am. He understands me being busy. He offers me rides because he can.

He is making me believe again. He's this anomaly of a man. Chivalrous, kind, considerate, affectionate, intelligent, determined. We have the same need for our good ol' 8 hours of sleep, (which I won't be getting tonight by writing this). We both try to eat healthy. He's one of a kind. I'm afraid to keep getting to know him. There are really only two possible outcomes. Either (1) he's not the amazing man I believe him to be, which would leave me once again disappointed in the male persuasion all over again OR (2) he is the perfect man for me, and I'll only have 5 months with him. I know 5 months can feel like a lifetime, but there's almost no good that can come of this.

Except: maybe it will heal my broken, twisted, darkened heart. And is it even possible to put a price on 5 glorious months of looking forward to seeing Rob. 5 months of unwavering support of me. 5 months of smiles. 5 months of amazing kissing. 5 months of memories to last a lifetime. Will it be enough? Will it be too much? I guess only time will tell.

Living to work or working to live?

As everyone already knows, I tend to be a little bit of a workaholic. I work and work and work and sometimes I stop to play. However I think I always work because usually I have nothing better to do. Once and awhile something better comes along and changes that perspective. Today I took my Hindi quiz (epic fail anyone?). Shailesh gave me an extra .5 points as a benefit of the doubt. He said he knew I know the material, I just have a hard time showing it. Eh. I guess that's mostly true. I do know a lot of the material, but sometimes it's really hard to get it to come out. I should know by now to concentrate on the new words we learn, but I think that'll be changing really quickly. Now there are more rules and things of that nature to learn.

But today was nice. After taking my quiz, I stayed around to chat with Shailesh about India and traveling. Then I ran through the Hail storm to my apartment and just chilled. Soon it was time to go to the ARC for rock climbing. Almost everyone was there. Myself, Stacy, Julia, Steve, Julia's friend Mike, Jenna, Bre, Billy... it was a party on the wall. I feel bad cheating as much as I do climbing, but by golly, I just love climbing. It's so fun to feel that challenge. After running with Nick and biking/lifting with James, my muscles are killing me, but eh. It's good to work out and kick one's butt every so often.

So now Eric's here and we are just chilling on our computers, not really talking, but just being near each other. It's nice and peaceful. Reminds me that I work to live, and work isn't everything.

Hand-Off

So life sure can be funny. Eric mentioned to me that he's used to having a lot of female friends. And I said that I have a lot of guy friends, so not to worry. Case in point... Nick and I had class till 6 and walked home. Then we met up at the ARC and ran 2 miles together. As we were leaving I ran into James and biked with him for another 30 minutes. Then we did upper body lifting and a quick abs workout. James offered to take me home, and I ended up making dinner for him. Eric showed up to get his bike while James and I were eating. And now I'm off to Eric's. It's weird. I like being alone, but I have a penchant for hanging out with a lot of my guy friends. I just want a night to myself. Ugh. And yet... maybe I don't.

80% huh?

SO what is it? What it 80%? Is it good enough? Is it not good enough? Will it matter? Why does Dr. Phil say as long as there's 80% then the other 20% doesn't matter? I just don't know. There are so many things to think about. Too many things to know. So many unanswered questions. Where are we? Where am I? What does the future look like? What would our relationship look like? Would I love it or would it drive me crazy? How weird is too weird? What battles would I fight? How easily would I lose myself? Am I strong enough? How can I be a "good patient" and not even remember it? Why did those graham crackers taste so dang good today? Why do I.V.'s make me cry? How come my mom drives me crazy but is the one person I trust to make sure I'm fine when things get tough? Why did our relationship suck? Does she know how much I love her? Why am I so unfeeling and harsh sometimes?

Houston ahoy!

I mentioned in my last post that I'll be moving to Houston. However, what I didn't say was that I'll be moving down in June to begin a job with Shell. I'll be working at Woodcreek, which is on the far west side of Houston. It's rather close to Katy, which is in my head the Geneva/St. Charles part of the city. I'm not quite sure, but everyone says it's a beautiful place to live. Also, I'll only be about 4 miles from work. I could bike that. That is if I end up living where I think I want to live.

Isn't it funny. I'll be making a butt load of money working and will have all sorts of free time to do whatever I want. I could go sailing, rock climbing, running... anything! I think I'll save my money for travel though. There are quite a few places I'd like to go and working for Shell will hopefully help me get there.

I have all these fancy ideas of what Houston will be like for me. And I think, much like college this will be an adventure that continues to change and warp. Maybe I'll meet my future husband down there. Maybe I'll be come a millionaire in Houston. Maybe I'll learn sailing, get a puppy, make tons of friends; who knows, the world is my Oyster.

Also, I have no idea how I'll be telling Bruce that I leave April 29th for India. It'll be: 28th - sign and hand in all my papers, 29th - leave for India, 30th - acclimate to Indian time, 1st - begin my journey. It's going to be CRAZY! I'm so excited I can barely contain all of it.

I'm curious to find if I'll actually publish all my random ramblings one day. Eh, you never know.

Stream of consci...

I recently took a quiz that told me my personality is an ENTJ: the executive. I can't help but wonder if I created that monster or if the monster created itself. I'm going to have the hardest time in the world finding someone to love me, deal with me and make me feel loved and respected and cherished. And in the meantime I just let people walk all over me. Just walk and walk and walk. But it's not friends that walk all over me, it's men. Which is funny because I used to let my friends do whatever they wanted and put up with everyone's shit. I guess I felt like I was just lucky to have a friend, lucky that someone wanted to spend time with me. And because of that, I was willing to sacrifice myself to figure that out. And now, now I have that all together. I have me together. I have my friends. I have my freedom. I have my own time, my own way of doing things. And as my dad said, you are making choices that create a life that you can't un-create. You are making your future one choice at a time. And even not choosing, well that's a choice now isn't it? Choices are so scary. They can consume me. I hate making choices because logically I can think through something but then I just let my heart decide what I should do and come up with reasons to support my heart.
My heart. Wow. My heart. I think I'm broken, or screwed up. Who knows. I feel like I carry my baggage around like crazy. Yes... all these boyfriends, with all these pasts. I feel like I should make a pact with myself. Once I move down to Houston, no more talking about past boyfriends. No past stories. I'll recreate myself. I can make my own image of myself to make myself happy. I can be skinny, successful, a dog owner. I can run trails around my house. I can live in a lush area in a cute apartment. I will be me, but better. I'll be an image of me that makes myself happy, that makes myself proud to be myself. I'll be an image of the woman I want to be so that when I find the man I want my future me to be with, he'll want to be with me also. I keep trying to tell myself that, but it's SO hard. I can meditate on my own images, on my own thought process. God Hindi is such a hard language to learn. I left class today thinking I was a failure. All I could see was why high school was so hard for me. It's brutal.

Anti-Vibrational Table

So because of the condemnation of the lovely building that I get to work in. (Well 1/3 of it anyways.) I will be forced to move my office a total of 3 times in the course of 3, possibly 4 months. Due to this atrocity, I've packed up a lot of my things, and have decided to keep them in a box where they may stay until I'm procrastinating enough to put them away or until I graduate and am left wondering why I saved my notes and crap in the first place.

Although, in and of itself, moving certainly sucks, trying to find where to put my CL microscope has been the more difficult endeavor. I have the option of moving it to the survey where it will be under lock and key and in a very nice room. Or I can move it to IGB next to a room with vibrational issues due to refrigeration units next door. Bruce is against moving it to the survey because it won't be under his control. He wants it close by and where he can supervise it. He then suggests getting an "anti-vibrational" table to remove the issue of the room moving around.

All I know is if I'm the one responsible for clearing out that room before getting the CL scope in there... I may throw a fit.

Harmony

So, I know that in January I tried online dating. I was excited, exuberant and ready to do something good for myself. I know that I was lonely and feeling down on myself. However, I think one of the reasons it didn't work for me was that I just wanted to be with someone to make myself feel better. I didn't "need" them per-say. I just wanted to feel good enough for someone to like me.

And in the process I met Kevin. Now, Kevin is an amazing person. He's kind, considerate and an overall good person. The only issue I had was that the spark wasn't there. I wasn't intrigued. There wasn't anything about him that I needed to find out more about. I think I let it go on a little too long, although it was only a month or two, so maybe 6 or 7 dates. I kept trying to find that spark, but it just wasn't there.

In theory, that spark is some natural chemistry that makes you irresistible to each other. And I can't but help wonder if it's the spark of the unknown or the unsure or the confused. But either way, I've spent the last 6 months working on me. I've began working out, trying to look on the positive side of life. I've cultivated my friendships in the department. I've maintained my friendships with Kayla and Amy. I also let go of Brett as a friend. I knew he is somewhat caustic and probably a horrible person to have in my life, but our friendship was addictive on a whole new level. I liked the support and the degradation that littered our somewhat bantered friendship. I knew he had my back and I also knew he didn't take me seriously. Basically, attached enough to find the time to make fun of me, and selfish enough to really not care that awful much.

Mixing Working Out and Pleasure

So I've been working out with this trainer Matt. Basically I need someone to kick my butt and there is nobody else around here to do it. So Matt and I work out twice a week. It keeps me honest and I can see improvement. I've also lost almost 2 inches off of my waist. I don't think I've really lost any weight (maybe 3-4 pounds max) but my muscle mass sure is on par. I can even fit into the bridesmaid dress from last summer. You know, the summer were I stressed out, freaked out, forgot to eat and slept all summer? Well good. Glad you remember.

Anyways, Matt is from a teeny tiny town in Illinois and likes hunting, working out, and is going to go to school to be a chiropractor. I.E. a doctor. He's gorgeous. He has piercing light blue eyes, as in glacier blue eyes. His smile is adorable. He has some freckles and sandy blond hair. I know... another Alex look alike eh? Oh my god. That's what he is. He's another Alex. Ugh. Dumb dumb. How could I be any stupider. How did I not realize that until just now.

Well I should just rename the title of this post right now. Well as long as I know this now, I can work it out in my head. I know what is OK and what isn't. That probably means he'd be a great friend, supportive and friendly. However, I can't help but think he'd be a little different than Alex. So how jaded am I? I went from... wow, he's funny, nice and smart to ugh...

I think Usher said it best in "You Remind Me."

See the thing about you that caught my eye
is the same thing that makes me change my mind
kinda hard to explain but I'll try

CHORUS:
Cos, you remind me of a girl
that I once knew
see her face whenever I , I look at you
couldnt believe all of the things she put me through
this is why i just cant get with you

Thought that she was the one for me
til i found out she was on her creep
oh she, was sexing everyone but me
this is why we could never be

Panic at the... yoga?

Well this story is almost a week old now, but I figured, better late than never. I was thinking of calling it closure, but that just isn't quite right.

So last Thursday I headed to Yoga and was actually quite early. I ended up getting there before the instructor (yogi?) Jenny, and started chatting it up with Jackie. Jackie happens to work for Bruce on Sci Flix, which is Bruce's version of getting science-y videos into middle schools. He films different research areas of his and talks about their importance. In theory it's a great idea. HOWEVER, Bruce would have to follow through in order to get anything accomplished.

Well enough about Bruce. I could probably complain about him forever. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

So Jackie and I were talking and I asked her how she ended up working for Bruce. She mentioned that she went on the Campus Honors Program trip with Bruce and had Phil (Alex) and Carly as her T.A. I was dumb enough to ask her if she had found out that Carly and Phil are engaged now.
She got so excited and emphatically said, "I know! I saw the ring earlier this week! I'm so happy for them. They are perfect together. You should have seen them on Curacao. They were so perfect together. Too bad they weren't dating then. But isn't that great that they are together now."
In between trying not to hyperventillate, I said something along the lines of, "Yah. Isn't it great. Yah they do look great together."

And then I went into my head, (where it's safe, and they know me there) and tried not to have a panic attack right before Yoga class. Thank goodness I know how to take deep breaths all on my own!! I couldn't concentrate for the first 10 minutes of the class and it took me forever to get my breathing in line and concentrate on my poses. However, by the time class was over, I was feeling lighter, and if not happier that the encounter had happened, well at least I lived through it.

I can't wait to leave this campus and Phil and Carly FOREVER. Dear God. Please let them fall to the wayside so that I don't have to see them or talk with them or work with them after I graduate. That would be just swell.

A Spark

I am at the point in my life where traditionally people make big grand decisions about their life. Are they going to work full time? Are they going to get married? Is buying a house a good idea in this market?

And me. Well I'm trying to decide what I want to do for the next 5 years of my life. I figure if I graduate at 23.5 years old, travel abroad in India for 30 days, work for GeoCorps for the entirety of the summer and then travel in Patagonia for 90 days, I should be pretty worn out from all the outdoor adventure... right? Or what if it sparks in me an insatiable desire to continue. What if it makes me want to keep trying to find the next mountain to climb, the next river to forage, the next adventure to have?

The Apple and The Tree

I've recently been blessed to be able to identify with where I get certain attributes of myself. I know that my pudgy hands and feet are from my dad. I know that my stubbornness comes from my mom. I know my squinty eyes are inherited from my grandma Dwyer while my love of sweets comes from my mom's mom. My cold ears come from my grandpa Quatroke and my love of rocks come from grandpa Dwyer.
It's nice to think that for however unique I am, I am also an integral part of the tapestry of my family. I share Colin's sense of humor, Mike's sense of adventure, Johny's love of competition (running even?), I love Adam Sandler like Ryan does and admire Jennifer's grace and style. I wish I could have even a spark of Stacy's attitude and Suzanne's adaptability.
And so, from all of that, I need to make my own way in live. Maybe I'll be the only one to backpack through the Himalayas, or mountaineer through Patagonia. I'll probably be the only one to get a Master's in Geology. Maybe I'll get a Ph.D. (doubtful). Maybe I'll find my place in this world and where I fit into it.
What I really want to catalog in this post is this last weekend with my parents. There's a certain peace that comes when everyone reacts how they usually do. I had started setting up a top rope in one of the trees up in Three Lakes, WI. I didn't really expect anything to come of it. We were waiting for all the boats from the boat race to leave the marina so we could hitch up the Hayes' speedboat. So I "pulled a dad" and began my own project, incorporating everyone I could. Val was my spotter, although I have no idea what she planned on doing if I fell. Jessica was the photographer. And my dad was the curious little monkey who couldn't wait to get his hands on everything.
I ended up climbing about 45 feet or 50 feet up the tree and set up an anchor with two branches. So Jessica ended up climbing up after me. I was surprised at her agility and strength even though her hands are SO TINY! Val made it up after wards with her trick knee. My dad hovered around the edges of my peripheral vision the entire time. After Val got down, I asked my dad if he wanted to climb, and he said heck yeah. So I got him suited up... (in a medium... I still have no idea how that worked.)
He climbed up in his hiking boots and sweating through his purpley gray shirt. His strength is still there, but there is more of a question as he moves. His wrist, broken last summer, was giving him some issues, but otherwise, he scampered up there just as easily as I had. Once he got up, he asked for the hand saw and went to town getting rid of cluttered branches and dead limbs. Finally, he wanted to come back down. HOWEVER, he did NOT want to trust the rope. I told him, "It can hold a pick up truck, so I'm pretty sure it'll hold you." But dad didn't want to believe it. So he stood up 45 feet on a branch and did the funniest shaky dance I've seen in my life. He was hopping up and down, waving his arms and shaking the branches and holding onto the rope laughing, giggling and suggesting that the rope would likely NOT hold him up.
Somewhere in the middle of that dance, I realized what all the hopping was. My dad was afraid. He didn't want the rope to break. (Hell, who would?) And he showed his fear by admitting it, dancing around, laughing and finally, getting down to business. I saw in that moment why I laugh when I'm afraid. I learned it from my dad. And I'm so glad I learned that skill. Maybe one day this little apple will grow into a strong beautiful tree like my dad. I'll never forget that day up in the trees. And I hope he never does either.

A Marriage of Convenience

Whoever could have guessed that marriage freaked me out needent have looked too far in my past. Aside from almost every nightmare of me trying to get out of marrying, I've also had nightmares where I'm trying to convince my siblings and friends to remain single. I like the IDEA of marriage, but I'm not ready to invest in it yet. I guess marriage to me is like the idea of saving for retirement. The idea of having all that money, security and stability just waiting to love me and take care of me is a brilliant idea, I'm just not ready to sacrifice my freedom to do whatever the hell I want in the meantime.

My first encounter with a proposal was in middle school. I was one of those cool kids. I'm sure you have an image in your head of the pretty, friendly and bubbly girl who was surrounded by friends and the perfect lunch every day. I was actually one of the kids who played video games all day and seriously considered making my life as similar to Everquest as I could. I didn't understand what everyone else did after school: their homework? That was for the 30 minutes before school started.

Also, I have to apologize. I did nothing in middle school and got straight A's. It was my first year in a public school and I was still riding off of skills I had acquired in 2nd grade at a Catholic School. It took until my fresh-soph... OK graduate school to acquire new and useful skills. Say what you will about Catholic schools. They suck, they stunt your social growth, but by god you can diagram sentences when you leave.

Back to where I was. My first marriage proposal was during my 12th year on this earth. I was a worldly, level 13, half-elf ranger on a quest when I had to stop over at a town to "level-up" and collect some mead for bribes in the forest. I met the half-elf man of my dreams. He was worldly, handsome and rich. Worldly because he had numerous quests I hadn't even dreamed of going on. He was handsome because every elfish character in Everquest is sexy if you go for that kind of thing. And rich! He was willing to give me old items because he had bought new armor and didn't need leather clad leggings or shirts anymore. He was the sugar daddy I'd never known I always wanted. I know you are thinking the word "nerd" or "loser" right about now. It's fine. I embrace my nerdiness.

We made dates every so often to go on Orc raids together and he helped me level up to 15 in just a couple of hours. We were EQ friends and I rather liked the idea of having a social life on an RPG (Role Playing Game, for all you non-PC nerds). We got together with friends and went to local pubs to get drunk and improve our tolerance levels. We bartered for goods. We stole treasures and quest items. All in all, a rather fun adventure.

Sadly, my wonderful world collapsed around me. He proposed marriage to me on EQ a couple of months after we first "met". I realized at the time it was just a game, but holy shit. You do not propose to a 12 year old, no matter what the situation. Therefore I had to do what I did best at that age. I lied. I countered. I objected. In short, I freaked the shit out. I made up some lie about seeing things and having to go to a psychiatrist and having commitment issues and being too young. It was incoherent and made no sense: not even to me.

I was 12. Of course I had commitment issues. Needless to say, that fell awkwardly by the wayside. I think he was a little stunned, and confused. Obviously, I was not ready for any type of commitment, fake or no.

Chronicler of Life's More Funny Events

In another off-kilter attempt to document some semblance of my life, I've now decided to catalog my top list of awkward, eventful, hilarious and painfully embarrassing encounters with the other kind. That is, the males of this planet. Can't wait to see how long this takes and if I ever get to the end of this list.

1. Everquest Marriage
2. "Serving Yourself" Shame
3. Ocean in Tennessee
4. Riboflavin
5. First Kiss
6. Giggling BJ
7. A Lake and a Hotel Room
8. Vegan Bush Lover
9. In a sock and out the window
10. Gag Reflex
11. Covert Pleasure
12. Baby, Gangsta Rap and Pearls
13. When YOU can't, Your mouth can
14. Charged, Repressed and Found Wanting
15. Performance Problems
16. Hit on You

Obviously what actually happened and what I remember are up for debate, however it is "herstory."

Hot Mess

I wonder if other people look at their friends every once and awhile just to see if anything has changed. Like looking at my group of friends that I hang out with, everyone is so unique and different. All are exceptional in their respective fields of geology, and all are exceptionally different. I'm going to assume that their uniqueness is what makes them tick, what makes them good scientists, good students, and essentially good friends. Everyone knows that the world is full of unique people, but I think it's the true eccentricities that make it to graduate school and into academia. I'm not sure what it is about "intellectuals", but I have the feeling that they are truely a breed of their own.

Here's a couple of case studies:
Val. Val. Wow, what to say, what to say. Val is probably one of the most complex people that I know. Originally meeting Val and getting to know her was painful. Painful probably to the point where I didn't really want to be around her. Actually I didn't even like her. She drove me NUTS. She doesn't know how to turn off. She's constantly on talk... except when she isn't. When Val doesn't want to talk, you will know. Aside from the constant garble that comes from her mouth, she is one of the most considerate, understanding people that you could ever hope to be your friend. She understands that everyone has their own needs, their own battles, their own fears. And she respects everyone for their own-ness. She's always got your back, you just have to get to "true" Val before you let her.

Mary was probably one of the most over-thought-out friends of mine. I was always wondering what made her tick, and all that. I have to thank Kayla for my friendship with Mary. I'm not sure exactly what it is about Kayla that she sees how awesome everyone is, but Kayla can see into peoples' hearts and minds. She finds true friends and true people and loves them. I don't know how she does it, but Kayla opened my eyes up to Mary. Initially I got the impression from Alex that she's a "weirdo" and lesbian. Both things, in context could have thrown me for a real loop, but Mary is nice enough and open enough that I figured, eh, why not? I'll make friends if she's cool, and won't if she's not. And she's becoming a better and better friend every day. We support each others' working out habits and swimming. I'm sure she has her own battles, fears and "no-go zones" to deal with. But she lets you know that you are welcome into her life. And being welcome, that's a beautiful thing too.

Taking a Stand

After careful contemplation of my life, I've realized that I do a lot of things so as to not piss other people off. I think I'd rather do things for me for awhile. I realize there is some guilt and responsibility with interacting with other people and I think I'd like to shake that up a bit. I know that I do a TON of things just for me, and I'd like to see how different that would be if I was purposely doing things ONLY for me for a week or two. And then switch it up. Do a LOT of things for other people. I don't want to do this to change relationships with my friends and family, but I think it would be cool to see exactly where I draw the line between doing things for others and doing things for me. I could even look at the short-term vs. long term desires. Some things good for me now probably won't be good for me in the future and some things bad for me now, may be good for me later in life. I guess it'll be an experiment in re-invention.

I think that it will also involve more thinking on my part. What is good for me right now? What isn't? What's my cost benefit? That's quite an analytical way to look at life. Maybe after I do all the thinking, I'll just do what comes to my head and intuitively do that. How different would my life be?

Emotionally Stable?

I can't decide if the longer I am in science, the weirder the people are, or the more aware I am of them. Almost all of my friends are on some sort of drug to help them out... depression, ADD, ADHD, OCD, eating disorders. It's insane. I mean, I've come to realize that I probably have obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. I was talking with Val today and realized that this trait is inherent in my personality and comes to a crux every time I am in high stress. Cleaning religiously, making schedules, lists, etc. Basically it's a way to control a situation. It's funny because low lying depression and super cleanliness are two of the 10 traits seen by these people. And those are the traits of mine that go crazy when I can't control any other part of my life. And now that I've sort of let obsessive cleanliness and organization go away for a little bit, I'm happier. I'm allowing myself to experience life at a less structured pace. And I think that's a good thing. I think I clean to maintain a semblance of order, which obviously is never going to work. The world is just a crazy jumble of disorder and life is contained chaos. I should just learn to thrive on that. I know I sound like I am rambling, but I actually feel a lot better about myself as time goes on. I'm slowly controlling my eating, which is DANG hard, but possibly possible. Baby steps. Baby steps for me are the way to go. Sudden action never really works out because I always want to jump back a little bit and re-test the water. Maybe that's what this year has been for me. A learning about myself, how to take care of myself and how to handle myself as an adult, capable of taking care of myself. Me me me! I think that's why me and relationships right now are so weird. I'm figuring out who I am and who fits in with me. And I should. I need to take the time to know me. Definitely before I try to be with someone else.

I've Got Your Back

I can't decide what type of human I am sometimes. For the most part I am a loyal friend, compassionate, quite independent and maybe lovable and cuddly. I try to stay in contact with friends, old boyfriends, etc. Whether it's from a curiosity standpoint or what, I don't really know. Yesterday, I got an email followed by a text from Steve. (A fairly recent ex) Of course I responded to it, and found myself getting invited to an impromptu Superbowl Sunday fiesta. I had been invited by Kevin (a possible, but highly improbable "love" interest). I had no desire to go hang out with Kevin. I think it has something to do with the fact that he doesn't challenge me at all. It's not really exciting. Which, in some respects is probably really good. No real arguments, fights, disagreements, etc. However, there's no challenge. And sadly, that is something I need. Without someone to challenge me, I basically turn into a brat, and that's no fun. But anyways... back to the superbowl party. I decided, heck, why not? It would be free food, a nice warm fireplace, good company and a chance to get some of my work done. All in all, not too shabby of a night. So I went. Food was good (for party food), the fireplace was perfect and I did get quite a bit of a dissertation read. Good times had by all :) So people started leaving, first Mike (eye candy), followed by Mylie, and then Taz got pissed off at the guys for teasing her about Sumir's sexual orientation (her fiance). Finally it was me, Kyle and Sarah (his gf from Georgia) and they soon left. Then it was just me, steve, his granola and the fireplace. We started talking... me about my issues with my advisor and steve about his... legal dilemma. Apparently a girl is accusing Steve of sexual assault and he may have to go to court to prove his innocence. And that just sucks. I just can't imagine Steve purposely hurting anyone like that. The only way anything resembling something like that happening would be if this girl didn't say to stop. The second she would have said stop, or quit it, or no, I know Steve would have backed off. He's too into mutual beneficial fun sex for it to be one sided. Besides the fact that he wouldn't ever assault someone. I just don't believe it. What is this girl thinking?

Sunday Madness

Well I must say, working out with the grad students on Sunday is a BLAST! Stephanie was too sick to make it, and Val forgot what time we were all meeting, but otherwise Gideon, Bess, Mary and myself had a kick-ass time. We played knockout for about an hour and I definitely felt as though I was breathing hard enough and was pretty fatigued. I only won twice, but overall, it was a great way to hang out, release some steam and laugh our butts off. We just have so much fun together, and it doesn't even really matter what it is. Yes, we are all quite competitive, but somehow, it doesn't get in the way too much. We do have our egos to worry about, but it's like we've all grown up and realize that everyone has faults and strengths and you just work with what you have. It's refreshing and lovely. I can't wait for next Sunday!

Shin Splints

Apparently people of all ages, mostly athletes will at one time or another get a sports injury. To that I say... inconceivable! It's like saying if you live life, you will get hurt. So I'm in the middle of deciding what to do with my shin splints. I've gotten tons of advice. Full rest. Take 3 days off, then go about life like nothing happened. Some rest, strengthening and going back to running once the pain is gone. SO now I can rehab my left shoulder, my left ankle and try to train for a half-marathon. Sort of disheartening huh? It also looks like my training guide is shot. I'm going to swim two days a week now. Serious abs workout on Monday, and then 20 minute segments on Wednesday and Friday. Tuesday's I'm going to try "the bike"... how dreadful does that sound? And Thursdays I'm going to climb and maybe do the elliptical(?). So not this Sunday, but next, I'll start running again. I'm just a little disheartened, but it's better to nip this in the bud now. That and once I start running again, it's NOT going to be outside. So I've got a lot to do eh? Just gotta try your best every day. Whatever your best is at that moment.

A New Path

So after getting back, I've realized that my world is pretty limited here in my dungeon. I interact with geologists... who are cool, but seriously not dating material. And I finally did something about it. I don't know if it's me being brave, crazy, or some weird combination of the two. I signed up for match.com. If Suzanne can find someone, and Jeff found someone, and Jackie found someone, that means there HAS to be someone out there for me. HAS TO BE! I'm convinced of this and so I'm embarking on a new journey, one not yet explored by me: online dating. I'll have to learn new lingo, mannerisms and culture. It'll be fun, scary and hopefully liberating on some new level. And if I'm lucky... I'll find someone, for me. And I think somewhere in the back of my head, that's what I'm really looking for. True, eternal love. Something that can weather the storms of life and come back stronger. Like an oak in contrary winds.

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch.

Me on CARMABI'S Dock

Lost Trust, Broken Heart

I guess I should also mention that I'd like to find a guy with whom I trust and actually love. I know that sounds easy, but I've had it pretty rough. The last guy I really loved was Alex, and he cheated on me with a co-worker. One we both worked with. I was devastated to say the least. It's hard sometimes when the anger isn't there. Then there is just sadness; bitterness, which is then followed by loneliness. It hurts. I think it's harder that I see him every day at work. I have to interact with him. I have to act like it doesn't hurt when I see him. Like it doesn't matter. I can remember all the ways he made me feel less important and not cared for and crazy, but I still love the jerk. And I don't know why. Maybe I do need counseling. But it's not like they would say anything I haven't already heard. I know that I'm better off without him. And I know that I'm happier not believing myself to be crazy. It's just that I mourn the illusion that we had. That happy illusion where Alex walked up behind me to give me a hug, and stroked away the hair from my face, and made me laugh, and didn't get angry at me for the dumbest things. I can still remember when Bruce told him to apologize to me. I was so hurt and angry and pissed and dead. I felt dead inside. I felt so many things that I was a rotting corpse from the inside out. Something inside me died that day. And I know I haven't gotten it back since. I'll never forget him standing there crying underneath that tree. I was heartless to him, but I think it was because mine was broken. Of course he didn't see what I saw when I saw him with Carly the night before. I wish I had just pushed him away instead of asking questions, trying to talk, seeing each other as fallible human beings. That didn't work. I knew it wouldn't. And yet I hoped. Then I let him go.